Chapter 7 – A Restless Heart

When I opened my eyes, I knew everything was lost.
Firepaw was sleeping peacefully by my side. I could feel the low vibration of his purrs against the fur of my neck, his forepaws hooked into my chest, kneading me the way a kit kneads its mother’s belly. My ears twitched instantly, and I nudged him away with a paw.
I took a moment to look around.
I couldn’t remember exactly what happened after Firepaw fucked me, but everything seemed fine. Or at least quiet. Yes, that had to be it.
Though my entire body felt sticky, and I could still taste Firepaw’s fluids on my lips. Lowering my muzzle and my head, I let myself sink against his flank, releasing a long sigh as I felt him twitch slightly against me.
I closed my eyes for just a moment, letting my breathing steady me as the seconds ticked away.
I had fucked an apprentice. At this point, as contradictory as it sounded, I felt a strange sense of peace settling over me.
I could only come to one conclusion.
StarClan had abandoned me.
Or something beyond my imagination was waiting for me.
Either way, I wasn’t complaining. The body beside me was warm, and right now, I couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else’s company.
If I could just rest and think of nothing else, maybe for the rest of my life… I could adapt to this.
“Spottedleaf, are you in there?”
Bluestar.
Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT!
My ears shot up instantly and my spine arched, a sharp gasp tearing from my chest. I swallowed hard, my hind legs trembling, though they felt less exhausted than before. On my nest, Firepaw remained fast asleep, a clear smile on his muzzle. Too peaceful. If I woke him now, it would only cause chaos.
The leader’s voice was right at the entrance. I just needed to calm down.
“Spottedleaf?”
Just calm down. And act.
My forepaws dragged me to the side, and I shut my eyes. I had to improvise.
Glancing around, I spotted the medicinal herbs. Even though they had been difficult to harvest, I dragged them over and rolled in them, twisting from side to side like a kit trying to scrub fleas off in the mud. I felt the sticky fluids leaving my pelt, but the crushed leaves were already bruising and wilting under my weight.
I was only destroying my own stores and making more work for myself as the clan’s medicine cat, but… I couldn’t let my life in the clan end here, not like this!
“Spottedleaf, I’m coming in.”
“Bluestar! Hello, hi!”
I scrambled out of the pile of herbs, frantically licking at my fur, though a few stray leaves remained tangled in my pelt despite my best efforts.
Bluestar looked at me with confusion, but I didn’t let it shake me. She just seemed worried.
It couldn’t be about me. I had to keep my cool.
“Well, I’m glad to see you’re well,” Bluestar said. “I wanted to know if you could bring me more of that herb from before. It helped me quite a bit. Or did you happen to gather any extra?”
“Uh… no, I don’t have any right now,” I stammered. “But I can gladly go look for more. How are you feeling? Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, perfectly fine… it’s just that I feel it would do me good to have a bit more of it.”
I simply nodded, trying desperately to keep Bluestar’s gaze away from the back of my den. I lifted my paws and gestured a bit too sharply, my movements likely betraying my nervousness. Either way, she seemed to accept that I would take care of it, and that was enough for her.
“You should rest a bit more,” she said finally, turning away from the entrance. She padded back toward the center of the clan camp, where she ended up letting out a low, scolding mew at Dustpaw, who was racing Graypaw on a bet.
Oh, wait. Graypaw was looking right at me, his yellow eyes wide open.
No. I don’t know where your friend Firepaw is, please look away. Look away… I could only think that to myself while flashing him a tense smile.
Dustpaw quickly nipped his ear, blaming him for making Bluestar upset, and both of them bolted when they heard a low growl from Tigerclaw, who was resting nearby.
The clan was moving at its usual pace; at least I could take comfort in that.
But what I had to do now was get Firepaw out of here.
Stepping backward and keeping a watchful eye on the den’s entrance in case anyone else walked in, I finally made it back to the nest where the ginger apprentice was sleeping.
I pressed my muzzle against his neck, nudging him gently. He remained quiet and still, just as sweet as always.
I licked his whiskers, and I heard him begin to purr.
He really was deep asleep.
I placed a paw on his chest; his heart was beating.
I don’t know why, but I left my paw resting on his chest for a long moment. I was so fixated on it that I only pulled away when the sound of a stray leaf slipping from my pelt to the ground snapped me out of it.
I wanted to lie down with Firepaw for just a little longer. But I couldn’t risk it, not right now.
“Firepaw… wake up.”
“…Spottedleaf…?”
The apprentice slowly blinked his eyes open, letting out a heavy yawn, opening his jaws so wide I could see his back teeth. I took the opportunity to lick his forehead, grooming his fur as I coaxed him up. Grabbing him by the scruff, I hauled him into a sitting position and began to meticulously clean his pelt, spitting out the loose fur that caught in my mouth. Apprentices always shed so much down.
“Listen, I need you to get out of the den, alright? I think someone might come by and see us.”
“…Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I’m sorry, you’re right. I don’t want to cause you any trouble…”
“Exactly, exactly…”
A brief silence fell between us as Firepaw pushed himself up and stretched his lean, adolescent frame.
I felt my lips tremble for a moment, but before he could pad away, I checked his movement, sliding my tail smoothly along his flank.
“Go wash up at the lake. It’ll be best to make sure your pelt is completely clean, alright?”
“Yep, that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
I smiled, a sharp weight lifting from my heart.
“Good. Thank you so much.”
“Yep, you don’t have to worry about a thing. Also… the Twoleg secret is perfectly safe with me. I… I don’t really know why you do it, but… I guess it’s just medicine cat business that I don’t understand?”
I went entirely still, offering him a slightly strained, discordant smile while shrugging my shoulders.
The sheer innocence of apprentices… it’s terrifying sometimes.
“Yes… but please, seriously, don’t say a word about any of this to anyone. You promised.”
“Yep.”
Without another word, behaving just like a tom who had simply come to mount a queen and leave, he padded right out of the den.
I stayed there in the silence, letting my head sink low.
Only one thought crossed my mind.
Of course he wouldn’t behave like a civilized clan cat… he isn’t even a warrior yet.
Why am I even filling my head with such foolish ideas in the first place?
For some reason, my legs gave out and I just collapsed back into my moss nest. Firepaw’s scent still saturated the bedding.
Firepaw. Firepaw, Firepaw…
Why can’t you just become a warrior already? Will I have to watch you grow up until you finally are one?
I hope so.
…
I should have made him promise to make me his mate once he gets his warrior name…
I’m so incredibly sleepy.
My hind legs are completely exhausted, heavy and spent. My mind feels utterly scattered right now.
…
Will the Twoleg be waiting for me…? I’m sorry… I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to remember right now, though I want to see him.
…Either way, I have to go gather those herbs for Bluestar, so I’ll have to head out and see him anyway.
Just a quick nap… and that’s it.
I’ll just sleep for a little bit… then I’ll go.
I want to sleep every single night wrapped up with someone I love, just like all the other queens… I don’t want to keep doing this in secret.
Please… what… what can I do…?